Published June 12, 2009
Why can't I speak to the girl on the grass?
The hours go by as I let time float past.
I slouch on the bench my head in a book
One day I will speak to her if I have any luck.
She lies on the grass texting on her phone
One day I will kiss her and take her away home.
One day I will show her how caring I can be
How gentle and loving, then she will see.
One day I will I will fly with her on the wings of a dove
Soar through the sky in the ecstasy of love
Why can't I speak to the girl on the grass?
The hours go by as I let time float past.
One day I will speak to the girl on the grass
I will give her my heart and our perfect love will last.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,826 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I;ll keep this one brief, basically the rhythm and rhyme scheme didn't really work for me in lots of places. I like the couplets though, and the overall plot is very sweet, but I think you might want to consider using some more sophisticated language in order to make the poem sound a bit more in-depth and romantic, So, increase your vocabulary by reading works from other poets and then come back to this and see what you can change.
Good luck!
First Thoughts
The first thing that stands out like a sore thumb is the rhyme scheme. The first thing about making poetry that rhymes is that it often sounds forced, like you're searching for words that rhyme rather then searching for words that have meaning. "love, dove" "be, see" "phone, home" (ET!.... sorry) do you see what I mean? It feels like you are focusing less on what the poem is about, and more on how to make the words rhyme.
The second thing I notice is that you don't actually tell us anything about this girl on the grass. Just that you can't talk to her, and one day you want to be with her. That's all well and fine, but rather then telling us you can't talk to her, why not tell us about her. What does her hair look like in the sun? Why is it her that you want to be with? What's so great about this person that makes you want her?
Content
The thing that is lacking here seems to be poetic device used well and effectively. Rhyme can work, but not if it's forced. The other thing that is lacking here is imaginary, give us a picture! Give us a reason to care about your narrator and want him to talk to this girl. Let us see how wonderful this girl is by telling us about her.
"Show don't tell" is something that you're going to hear a lot around here. But it's an imprortant thing to remember. We want you to paint us a picture with your words. Simply telling us what is happening is not enough, now you need to show us.
Overall
I think this has some really great potential, but it needs help. I'd love to see a rewrite of it, let me know if you post one!
--OverEasy
i like it. it sounds so sweet.